SYD BARRETT SHIFTS INTO INTERSTELLAR OVERDRIVE RANDOM SAMPLER The piper at the gates of dawn has chuckled the last of his madcap laughs. Roger "Syd" Barrett, founder and psychedelic front-man for the seminal progressive rock juggernaut Pink Floyd -- a band for which he also served as absent muse following the complete mental collapse which led to his departure -- has passed away from diabetic complications at the age of 60. As someone whose Floyd worship centers mostly on the period between (and encompassing) the Meddle and Animals albums -- what I refer to as their "Kubricks of Rock" phase -- I'm not really sure how to take Syd's death. He's been gone for so long, in so many ways, that his actual, physical death seems kind of anti-climactic. Ah… Pamplona, Spain, home to the Running of the Bulls or, as yer old pal Jerky likes to call it, the Trampling of the Idiots. This year's event has sent an unusually high number of thrill-seeking morons to various emergency rooms, it's true, but as yet, there have been no reported deaths. Regardless, yer old pal Jerky's keeping his fingers crossed! Because if the O.J. Simpson trial taught us anything, it's that a dream is a wish your heart makes. Your assignment today, should you give a fuck, is to watch this free video presentation of the Tom Delay documentary The Big Buy, which might not be up for too long. If knowing thine enemy is important -- and we all know that it is, indeed, important -- then knowing more about this scum-sucking bottom-feeding democracy-debasing son-of-a-whore is your duty as a human being, even if you don't live in the U-S-of-A. Resigned in disgrace or not -- and there's some question about that -- Tom Delay is like a skelleton key that unlocks many mysteries (such as "what the fuck is going on?!?") pertaining to the current crisis. Speaking of mysteries pertaining to the current crisis, check out this painfully detailed and exacting dissection of the 9/11 Commission's whitewash report, in particular as regards the jarring, implication-laden testimony of outgoing Transportation Secretary Norm Minetta about Dick Cheney's behavior on that fateful day. When you're done reading it, you won't be surprised to discover that most of said testimony was scrubbed from the final report... and thus history, itself. Even Preznit Dubya's feces and urine are classified Top Secret. After checking out this animated map delineating the spread and magnitude of America's obesity epidemic as it has evolved over the last decade, yer old pal Jerky kept thinking the same thing, over and over: It's nice to know I'm not alone! Forget about Global Warming causing water levels to rise. If we keep gaining weight at this rate, we're liable to sink the entire friggin' continent! Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY July 7 On this day in 1863, the first ever American military draft begins. All males between the ages of 18 and 35 are potential targets… unless, of course, they can pay the $100 "exemption fee" required to skip duty. On this day in 1947, a bunch of little green men get blitzed on Venusian grog, then crash their flying saucer on a ranch near (you guessed it) Roswell, New Mexico. Tourism ensues. On this day in 1983, a U.S. schoolgirl by the name of Samantha Smith flies to the Soviet Union at the invitation of Secretary General Yuri Andropov. In short order, the bright and telegenic Smith became internationally renowned as a peace activist and good will ambassador, much to the annoyance of the Reagan/Bush administration and other right-wing and anti-communist elements the world over. Small wonder, then, that she should die in a small plane crash in the summer of 1985. On this day in 2005, four explosions rip through London's public transportation system, killing 52 people along with four suicide bombers. It was later learned that this terrorist attack was masterminded by Haroon Rashid Aswat, an individual with curious connections to England's MI6 intelligence agency. July 8 On this day in 1680, the first ever American to be killed by a tornado is… um… killed by a tornado. In Massachusetts no less! On this day in 1889, the first issue of the Wall Street Journal is published. A mere 43 years later, on this day in 1932, the Dow Jones industrial average reaches its lowest level of the Great Depression, bottoming out at 41.22. Coincidence? Don't make me larf! On this day in 1997 -- the exact same week in which yer old pal Jerky's doctor told him he should begin a fen-phen regimen to shed some of that excess weight -- the Mayo Clinic releases a report warning that the fen-phen causes severe heart and lung damage in unacceptably high numbers of its users. Needless to say, I'm still fat. But I'm also still alive. July 9 On this day in 1887, paper napkins were used for the first time ever by stationary manufacturer John Dickinson. This brings up a whole host of uncomfortable questions about toilet paper, and its various historical precursors. On this day in 1944, during World War II, American forces take the island of Saipan from the Japanese. It has been an American protectorate ever since. In recent years, right-wingers in government tried to turn it into a kind of testing ground for a libertarian tax-free and regulation-free zone. Sweatshop operators and sexual predators -- who also just happened to be big Republican donors -- thought the results of that experiment were fine and dandy. This day in 2006 will live in infamy as giving the world two of the most boring, inconsequential climaxes in sporting history, these being 1. Roger Federer's fourth consecutive Wimbledon tennis championship win, and 2. Italy's overtime/penalties victory over France to take FIFA's World Cup. We here at the Daily Dirt would like to give a curt spin of the finger and a snide "whoopdy-fuckin-shit" to the both of them.

THEY SAID IT! "The understanding of Andy is generally superficial. Andy was a heavy-duty, profound artist, but that gets lost in soup cans. No one understood celebrity like Andy. We're living the Warhol nightmare, the Paris Hilton nightmare." - David Cronenberg discusses Andy Warhol's legacy in an interview conducted for a new gallery show he's conducting in Toronto. *** **** *** "Satan, it's over. I'm with Hitler now!" - Poor Ann Coulter... she leads such a complicated life.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Dave on Dope! Ole and Lena are sixty-nining when Ole says, "Leena did you know there is 117,000 musk-ox in Alaska?" Lena says, "No, I didn't. Gee, you're smart." Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in Alaska?" Lena says, "No I didn't. Gee, you¹re smart." Ole says, "Lena, did you know there is over 2,000,000 caribou living in Alaska?" "No," says Lena, "how did you get so smart?" sort of wondering how this conversation came about in the middle of their sex play. Ole says, "Remember last winter when we ran out of toilet paper and we had to use the pages out of magazines?" "Yes, I remember," says Lena. Ole says, "Well you still have page 63 of the National Geographic stuck to your ass." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Sixlegged for sending in today's second joke. Bob took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bob, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Sklag... Q: Why do pooftas like ribbed condoms? A: To get traction in the mud.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: PERSPECTIVE HURTS care of: Demosthenes Last Monday night, Chimpy made a speech that left me stunned. He talked about how Independence Day is about a small group of ragtag fighters taking on the world's most powerful military in the name of freedom and, against all odds, winning the good fight. Two minutes later, he says that we will win the War on Terror in Iraq. As Jacques Cousetau used to say, "I was aghast!" Does the poor boy not even know the concept of IRONY?! I work in retail, and with the economy booming (he means the military economy booming in Iraq, not here) we have a lot of downtime to chat in our departments. One of my co-workers is a dyed in the wool Bushite (say it fast). He and I have long conversations about various topics, and the other day I asked him how the war on terror can end. He said "easily." I said, "with the US winning?" He said, "Easily. Keep killing them until they stop coming." I replied that studies have said that for every person we kill, we make 3 more people mad enough to fight back. I, sarcastically, asked him if we plan on killing a billion people to stop the run of terror. His response: "If that is what it takes." He said that Hussein and Co had violated several International Laws and had to be taken out. Random questions to our kind readers: What is it about Bushites that makes them think that they have the right to kill 1,000,000,000 people to stop them from invading their part of the world and toppling their governments? Why are insurgents fighting for their land against the government (us) different from the Freedom Fighters (tm) in Nicaragua fighting against their goverment (who we didn't like)? Current estimates put the population of Iraq at 26 million. Direct deaths from the military run around 30k, and UN estimates of the collateral deaths there run about 100k more, so we have killed in one way or another 5% of the population. What would American Citizens do if the UN decided that Bush had violated one too many international laws (like the Geneva Accords for one), and decided that a regime change was in order. If what happened in Iraq were to happen here, it would be another country invading us, toppling our system of goverment, and killing 3,000,000 people. Do you think we would sit by and let them do it? No, we would be trying to kill as many of them as we possibly could, and I wonder if the rest of the world would be crying their eyes out about the couple thousand of the invading troops who die trying to kill American citizens. "They beheadded Nick Berg!! They are animals who deserve to die!" Does anyone know or care anymore that over 3000 children under 5 were killed in the first 2 days of bombing of our shock and awe campaign? How many of them died by having their heads blown off by exploding bombs hitting hospitals? How many women died in those hospitals holding their newborns? Obviously these people were terrorists and had to die. Do the majority of American people support the tactics of the Christian Extremists known as the KKK? Of course not. Do the majority or Iraqi support the tactics of the Muslim extremists? Of course they do. Bush has said so, and Nick Berg proved it. - Demosthenes FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Dear Obi Wan Ken-Jerky, A few weeks ago I was looking at Pigglet, a stray deaf albino pitbull that my girlfriend found. I then had a thought. I remember hearing some of the ID/Creationist people saying that evolution couldn't explain the complexity of the human eye, something about the eye needing all its parts working to generate sight in a human being. I'll reckon they claim same argument for hearing. Then I thought, if the human eye is too complex to have evolved and therefore had to be poofed into existance, then why do does my deaf dog have ears? If he cannot hear then why does he need ears? Why is it that for something like hearing or sight to work it had to have been poofed into existance all at once but for hearing or sight to not work only small part has to be broken (in the case of Pigglet its a lack of pigment on the hairs in the ear that coduct sound vibrations)? Wouldn't the ID/creationist argument that for humans to see, sight had to be "poofed" into existance also mean that if a human couldn't see then there would be nothing to "poof" into existance, so no need to have eyes or eye sockets for that matter? If anybody gets the chance to use this argument I'd really like to hear how it goes. Jolly Sapper [I'll let you know if any Creationists decide to take this on. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; Finally, an Uglitron that REALLY disturbs me. Keep up the good work. YOP SweatyWheels [Glad you love her as much as I do. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOP Jerky, I caught your comeback to Dave Hansen. Still smarts, don't it? YOP, Kenny "B" [Yup. - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Jerky; I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes." Brummbaer [So... have you heard back yet? - Jerky] *** **** *** DAMN!!! Again, DAMN!!! They didn't even warn us or at least mention it... not that I heard anyway. Did you know about this??? G.S. [I was keeping my fingers crossed. Unfortunately, it missed. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, I was curious as to why the cleanup in the gulf coast post Katrina is taking so damn long. Then I found a very plausible answer to my question in a very interesting place. Click on "Hurricane Katrina Related". Plenty of openings. If anybody needs a job, they are there for the taking and they pay pretty well also. YOP, Bob [Any mobile home sales specialists out there, take heed! No shit. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky! In a week where the mis-goverment is taking apart the first amendment when the media takes them to task, a court stands up against copyright infringement. What I want to know is this: Does newtork television now have to show complete, uncut versions of all the movies they show? If a network wants to show Blazing Saddles, do they have to keep in all the racial slurs and language that they have edited out for the last 30 years? I think the movie is fall-over funny and always have, but I wont show the uncut version to my 5 year old daughter. I am the last person to be arguing for political correctness (I prefer anatomical correctness myself), but I want to protect her as long as I can from things that I do not think she is mature enough to handle. A-Ray [The issue at play in the court case in question was creator/producer consent. In the case of editing for network and cable airings, the producers themselves often make the necessary edits. In the case of the Christian activists in Utah, they were cutting these movies themselves, with the intent of renting them, without creator/producer consent. Personally, I don't have that big a problem with the idea of re-cutting certain motion pictures to make them more acceptable for a specific audience and/or demographic. But if you're going to do it for profit, getting permission first would probably be a good idea. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com