CHENEY'S GOT A GUN It's been barely a week since Dick Cheney became the first sitting member of the Executive branch to shoot a man since Aaron Burr -- and Harry Whittington became the first person to take a shot to the face by a senior White House official since Monica Lewinski -- and the story is already being shoved back into the closet where The Powers That Be tried (and failed) to hide it in the first place. Now, with the right-wing media echo chamber all lined up, and everyone on message with outraged cries about how THE LIBRUL BIAS MEDIA IS ON A JIHAD AGAINST POOR WIDDLE CHENEY!!!!!, we'll probably never know the full truth about what happened on that tragic, hilarious day. Still and all, yer old pal Jerky feels it behooves us to preserve some of those unanswered questions, even if only for posterity's sake, in the form of a list of the… TOP 13 UNANSWERED QUESTIONS ABOUT DICK CHENEY'S HUNTING ACCIDENT 13. Why, instead of going through the usual channels, did Dick Cheney rely on property owner and GOP/NWO insider Katharine Armstrong to inform the press about the accident? And why did she wait a full day to do it? So they could get their stories straight? 12. Why did the first press release prepared by Dick Cheney's handlers after the hunting accident neglect to mention that Cheney was the shooter? 11. Why, instead of accompanying his victim to the hospital, did Dick Cheney decide to retire to the ranch house for a few apres skeet cocktails? 10. Why did Dick Cheney's Secret Service contingent stall and delay local authorities who wanted to interview Cheney for almost 24 hours after the incident? 9. On Wednesday, Cheney went on FOX News and said: "It was not Harry's fault. You can't blame anybody else. I'm the guy who pulled the trigger and shot my friend.” So why did he let Katharine Armstrong tell the press, two days earlier, that "the vice president did everything right” and that the fault lay with Whittington, because it was "incumbant on him" to announce that he was rejoining the group after retrieving a downed bird? 8. Why does the official report on the shooting include a diagram that shows Whittington being shot on the left side of his upper body, when clearly he was hit on the right? 7. According to Time Magazine, Preznit Dubya had a stern talking-to with Dick Cheney in which he basically ordered the Creepy Veepy to go on FOX News and explain himself. Does ANYBODY buy that crap?! 6. Why did Katharine Armstrong tell the press that there was no alcohol involved -- "No, zero, zippo” -- when, in fact, Cheney now admits to having had "one beer" with lunch, and the hunting party had beer with them at the time of the accident? Exactly how big was the "one beer" Cheney drank before shooting his 78 year old friend in the face? Did Cheney try the "I only had one beer" trick with the police who arrested him for driving drunk two times back in the 60's? 5. What's the deal with Pamela Willeford, US ambassador to Switzerland and so-far-zip-lipped "other witness" to the shooting? Is Cheney hitting that, or what? 4. Why did born-again evangelical physician David Blanchard spend two days downplaying Whittington's injuries, claiming that he'd "received minor pellet wounds" and "had a great night at the hospital" when, in fact, Whittington thought he was dying, pellets lodged in his liver, and he had a heart attack due to a piece of shrapnel migrating through his circulatory system? 3. When you're 78 years old and there are tiny metal pellets pumping through your heart and liver, is there really such a thing as a "mild heart attack"? 2. A few years ago, Whittington was brought in to clean up the all-but-forgotten-yet-still-relevant-today Bush scandal known as Funeralgate. If Whittington had died of the injuries inflicted upon him by Cheney, how many deep, dark secrets about that particular scandal would have died along with him? 1. With Whittington's absurd and disturbing "apology" for stepping into Dick Cheney's birdshot, have we at long last reached the point in American society where being a "team player" becomes synonymous with humiliatingly masochistic sycophancy? Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY February 16 On this day in the year 600, Pope Gregory declares that the correct response to a sneeze is "God bless You." It would be another thirteen-hundred plus years before the Vatican decreed the proper response to a fart, which, as we all know, is: "Can I get a slice of that cheese?" On this day in 1978, the first computer Bulletin Board System (BBS) is established in Chicago. A truly pioneering presence at the time, Ward Christian and Randy Suess's CBBS mostly featured ASCII images of Mister Spock and bestiality porn. On this day in 1982, Lee "Six Million Dollar Man" Majors and Farrah "Six Million Dollar Hair" Fawcett get a divorce, about five years too late for anybody to give a fuck. On this day in 1992, the Los Angeles Lakers retire Magic Johnson's #32 uniform... because it has AIDS. *** **** *** On this day in 2003, after calling off a fight in Las Vegas, former heavyweight boxing champ (and cannibal/rapist) Mike Tyson gets a scary-ass tattoo inked onto the side of his face. Upon witnessing the results of Tyson's inky dementia, yer old pal Jerky was curious to know what other celebrities would make of his taste in body mod. So we broke out our Rolodex and made a few calls. But little did our celebrity friends know, we'd made another call earlier that same day... to our psychic friend, Madamme Vulva! She listened in on the other line while we asked them each for a comment, recording their secret thoughts while we wrote down their vocalized platitudes. Yer old pal Jerky is certain that the results will astonish and amaze you... WHAT THEY'RE SAYING! Michael Jackson: "I really have no opinion on the matter." Osama bin Laden "It is shameful! No Moslem man should wear tattoos on his face!" Madonna "I think it's great!" Colin Powell "And so now you see, gentlemen, why it is imperative that the United States unilaterally invade Iraq." Fred Durst "That's a really cool tattoo, man." Preznit Dubya: "The man is engaging in his God-given right to export his individualization any way he sees fit." Robert Blake "That's the guy, officer! That's the guy who shot my wife!!!" Tommy Lee "He's got more balls than I do." Justin Timberlake "He's so cool!" Maya Angelou "I think it's fantastic to see a proud black man boldly stamping his heritage upon his countenance for all the world to see!" Jerky LeBoeuf "Congratulations, Mike! You are now officially cool enough to attend one of Jerky LeBoeuf's legendary Las Vegas blowouts!" WHAT THEY'RE THINKING! Michael Jackson: "Nobody out-freaks Michael Jackson. Now I gotta go molest a lama… on camera!" Osama bin Laden "*sniff* Kinda reminds me of Mom…" Madonna "What a phony. I bet it washes off." Colin Powell "I gotta get me one of those, Jefe!" Fred Durst "That's a really cool tattoo, man." Preznit Dubya "That dumb darkie just got himself declared an enemy combatant." Robert Blake "Gotta get crack… gotta get crack… gotta get crack…" Tommy Lee "But I got more dick than he does!" Justin Timberlake "I wish he'd rape me!" Maya Angelou "That nigga's crazy!" Jerky LeBoeuf "That punk-ass bitch better bring some broads tonight, or I'll kick his sorry ass 'til he sucks my dick."

THEY SAID IT! "And so I thought his explanation yesterday was a very strong and powerful explanation. And I'm satisfied with the explanation he gave." - Preznit Dubya slurs out three "explanations" in eight seconds flat. *** **** *** "And don't forget Sherrod Brown is black. There's a racial component here, too. And the newspaper I'm reading this from is the New York Times, and they of course don't mention that." - Turns out his addiction to oxycontin hasn't only made Rush Limbaugh deaf, it's made him color-blind, too. Like the old saying goes: "Jump gun, shoot self in foot."

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Ralston! Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven? O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Andres R. for sending in today's second joke. The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing and the priest suspected that was the time the cock fights occurred in the village. So he decided to do something about it at church the next morning. At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up. "No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up. "No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up. "No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" All the alter boys stood up. WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaners were sent in by Gilles T... Q: What is a computer's first sign of old age? A: Loss of memory. Q: What does a baby computer call his father? A: Data. Q: What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard? A: The space bar. Q: What happened when the computer fell on the floor? A: It slipped a disk. Q: Why was there a bug in the computer? A: It was looking for a byte to eat. Q: What is a computer virus? A: A terminal illness.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: NATIONALISM IS THE SUN THAT SHINES THROUGH EVERY CLOUD care of: Francis Playfair We have to stop thinking about ourselves and start thinking about others, this is how we work. Through all that happens in life's sometimes more challenging passages, I have seen a light that has shone constant and been guiding and that light is Nationalism, the sun that can shine through any clouds. One of the most important factors of Nationalism is that it is community based, nearly all other political doctrines are based upon the self, Nationalism doesn't take this path. Whilst a conservative, or a liberal, or even a modern socialist might ask, concerning any given policy, "what matters the most to me?" the Nationalist will ask "What matters the most to the community/country/ world?" We have to stop thinking about ourselves and start thinking about others, this is how we work. We are not an individual, we are a collection of individuals that make up communities and countries. The most important part of that community is the White baby, that child is the center of the community, that child has parents who raise it, who nurture it, who care for it. That is family, that is a core element of Nationalism. Those parents have their own parents, their brothers and sisters, cousins, aunts and uncles who they can call upon to help them with their task. That is the extended family, that is the next level of Nationalism. - Francis Playfair ["White baby"?! Who the fuck are you, and why did you write me? - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Hey Jerky; Some asshole put a picture of that asshole Merle Haggard in front of your asshole. 'tup wid dat? R. Gold [That's Chuck Norris. He's got it covered! - Jerky] *** **** *** Hail Jerky One. Happy V Day. And by the way, looks like you had a good time. But, the diet ain't getting it done. LOL Cheers, YOPMick [If you only knew. - Jerky] *** **** *** hey jerky how many licks does it take to get to center of a Jerky pop? SingleM29 [However many licks it takes. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; No, you can't cook an egg with two cell phones. Sorry. Mark [Awwwww... - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; Remember the "A Team"? Okay, let's try it. Here's the plan: We back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men. Let those women who want to marry women, marry women. We allow those people who want to abort their babies to abort their babies. In three generations, there will be no Democrats!!! Damn, I love it when a plan comes together! David Max [So what's your problem? - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; Just In Case you ain't downloaded this 23 megs of HOOT Lately.... Wally [That's a cute one. - Jerky] *** **** *** Earlier this morning, as I walked past M's bedroom TV on my way to my office, I heard a talking head on ABC's "This Week" with George Stephanapolis. I am not sure who it was but it was a male and there are only three choices. Joe Biden, David Gergen, or George Will. The man speaking said more or less to this effect: "We should consider economic sanctions against Iran, specifically oil. This would have a dramatic effect because Iran is a net importer of foreign oil." Which leads, naturally, to my question. If this sanction would work so well for the stated reason, why is it so hard to imagine that Iran might actually want to improve their situation vis. nuclear power? Personally, I think we are being prepared for Gulf War III. Dave [You mean World War IV, right? - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com